1000 Ways to Die: Dead of Night
by TotalDramaRox97
Summary: A new 1000 Ways to Die


You come upon a scene of idiots who have found themselves at doorsteps. You see a bomber whose job goes up in flames, a kidnapper who gets the death sentence, the weapon addict who's his own nightmare, the black market dealer who is swept clean, the mental guy who ass-plodes, and the peeping tom who gets personal. Either there are new standards to get sentence to death or it's the next episode of 1000 Ways to Die.

Date: December 30, 2003  
Kutztown, PA

Welcome to your worst nightmare. There are more weapons than anyone can imagine from hanging nooses to sniper rifles. Everywhere you look, there is a lethal weapon lying around. One wrong step and you're dead. No, this is not a modern day torture chamber; this is the garage of a man named Quinton. Quinton is a father who spends all his free time making dangerous weapons and keeping them in the garage. He doesn't make these weapons to protect his family or his possessions. In fact he cares more about his weapons than his wife and family. They could all die painfully from one of his handmade weapons for all he cares, so long as the weapon itself isn't damaged. He's just a creep who finds a sick pleasure in spending his time thinking of how he can hurt others without going to jail. His weapon obsession has made his garage an execution waiting to happen. Quinton's weapon obsession has grown stronger over the years. He has bought over 300 and made several dozen of his own. More money from his pay check was used on his weapon obsession than to feed his family. We're not going to waste any time here. Quinton's weapon obsession is going to be the death of him and it'll be his own fault.

Quinton didn't just make weapons; he also made his own lethal booby traps. This was to keep anyone, even his family, from trying to steal from him. Quinton is walking around admiring the myriad of weapons he has accumulated over the years. While wandering, Quinton accidentally sets off one of his own booby traps. It's a tripwire tied to an anvil. The anvil plummets onto a steel sheet on a roller (anvil hits sheet launching a metal ball on a string into Quinton's forehead and he collapses dead) and Quinton's weapon crafting days were numbered. Dr. Boyd Flinders Surgeon: "When this man was hit with the five pound metal ball, not only did it cause a skull fracture, but it caused his neck to snap back severing the spinal cord. This immediately ceased all brain functions and he died instantly." But wait, that's not how Quinton here is going to die. Quinton actually had thought something out and had set all the booby traps to make sure they weren't too close to his weapons or his other traps to prevent a chain reaction. (tripwire is set off and the anvil hits the ground) "Oh man I spent ten minutes making that trap."

Quinton needs power tools to help craft his own weapons, and one of his oldest and favorite is his stationary circular saw. At four thousand rotations per minute, its spinning blade is powerful enough to cut Plexiglas and melt it back together. Quinton would use it to craft many of his weapons. Today, he is making a mace without the ball and the spikes on the stick itself. Quinton takes out a large wooden stick to help him make it. As Quinton's cutting the wood, the old circular saw's hinge starts weakening after years of use. Soon after, the hinge pops causing the circular saw to collapse in on itself and Quinton finds out too late (circular saw collapses causing the blade to go through the wood and into the machine and electricity goes through the entire machine and into Quinton) Dr. Boyd Flinders Surgeon: "When this blade fell into the machine, it cut into the wires inside of it. Since the machine is metal the electricity would start running through the entire machine. This man had part of his hand on the metal section of the handle allowing the electricity to pass through him, disrupting the electrical signals, stopping his heart, and killing him." But no, Quinton's power saw had broken months ago and Quinton was too interested in his weapons to do anything about it.

Now what would a weapons fanatic and craftsman be without a powerful chainsaw? Quinton was performing his daily check on his tools and noticed the blade of his chainsaw was starting to blunt. Quinton needs his cutting tools to be sharp as they can be. He will not let his chainsaw be useless. He gets his trusty chainsaw sharpener which uses friction to wear down and sharpen blades. Quinton starts sharpening his chainsaw, but what he doesn't know is he has made two fatal errors. First, he placed the sharpener too close to the handle and (chain snaps, spins around, Quinton grunts, and falls back to reveal he's been cut in half) he pressed down too hard on the chainsaw. Ready to see how Quinton really died? Good, because you just did.

Dr. Boyd Flinders Surgeon: "When the chain snapped, there were two speeds. One was the speed the chain was spinning at and the second was from pressure released from the chain being against the sharpener. Since it snapped so close to the handle, it swung around, pulled more of the chain out, and cut clean through his abdomen and spinal cord killing him almost instantly."

Quinton should've known his weapon obsession would be the death of him. He had some of the most dangerous weapons possible right next to him. He finally realized this when he met the most dangerous weapon of them all, death.

Way to Die #777  
Chain Chain Go Away

Date: February 8, 1999  
Miami, FL

America is the number one place people migrate to. Many are refugees looking for safety. There are many people who help prove that immigration isn't bad. Unfortunately, there are some who make immigration look dangerous, say hello to Juan Manuel. Juan Manuel isn't in this country as a refugee, but as a criminal. He believes America is to blame for all the problems in the world and he's jealous that Americans had what he didn't have when he was a child. Despite being told his parents didn't have well enough paying jobs to be given whatever he wanted, he still thought that America . He came to America and majored in electrical science to get revenge. He has his Master's degree and he is determined to abuse his abilities to get disproportionate revenge. His friends know of his plans, but for some reason the police didn't take them seriously when they tried to report what his plans were.

His plan was to make several kerosene bombs and put them in large packages sending them to the houses of people he believed made his family miserable. Many of which involve the legal system. He hated the legal system believing it was designed against people of his race. He was convinced all of America hated his race. He was too delusional to see the truth. Juan Manuel was so mad, he made his bombs poorly crafted. If he accidentally knocked one of them down it would explode. He had six of the bombs created, but they were too large to fit in his car. He decided to eat something in his lab, or his garage, to figure out a solution to his predicament.

While he is eating, he thinks of a perfect solution, but he will have no time to do it. (explosion chain reaction goes off, Juan Manuel catches fire and screams before he dies) Juan Manuel had forgotten to repair a cut wire near the kerosene. The kerosene got in contact with the live wire triggering a chain reaction blowing up all his bombs and catching Manuel on fire. He had a power shower which he could've used to put himself out, but the shrapnel from the bomb had severed muscles and tendon paralyzing him long enough for the fire to cause fatal burns and kill him.

Juan Manuel hated the country he lived in for the wrong reasons. His revenge strategy was beyond overboard. In the end, Manuel's heart and his bombs had something in common, they could no longer work

Way to Die #376  
Puncture Out

Coming up, a peeping tom gets too close to his victim and a man figures out how to lose his lunch and life simultaneously

(special thanks to my friend Jadon for helping me with this segment)  
Date: March 26, 2007  
New York City, New York

(knocks) "Room service." Room service is one of the most popular features at a hotel. They will deliver anything to your room anytime. No room serviceman is busier than Hugh. Hugh works the morning and night shifts there. Here's the catch though, he's not really a room serviceman. He's a pervert who came up with a ridiculous and crazy idea. He would pose as a room serviceman travelling to various rooms offering service. In reality, he just wanted to look for girls to peep on until he pops. Hector Velez Hotel Manager: "Many people believe that there are video cameras watching you in every hotel room. This is not true; doing that is illegal even if it's for reasons like making sure you don't steal anything. Unfortunately, you get the creep now and again who puts cameras in rooms to spy on people in the rooms."

This was actually a two man job. Hugh's friend Robert provided him with the I.D. badge and lanyard. Robert didn't know Hugh is a peeping tom; he just thought Hugh wanted to see what it was like working in a hotel. The peep holes installed in hotel doors provided Hugh with the perfect way to spy on the patrons. All day he would do the same thing over and over. Find the patrons he finds attractive, then at night spy on them to see if they are doing something dirty. If they are, he would even use his phone to record these girls being dirty in order to store the memories. First he spied on the single lady in floor two. Lucky he was right next to an elevator or he would've been captured. Next, the woman on the seventh floor was feeling a little lonely. Good thing she didn't know about the creep who was spying on her in her room. Hugh was careful not to get caught by any other employees who can catch him.

His last pick of the day was a girl on the tenth floor who was having first time sex with her boyfriend. Hugh did not want to let this chance pass by. He continues watching "Hey what are you doing?" and finally gets caught. "You can't spy on the other residents. I'm going to report you to the manager." She looks at his ID badge, and realizes that she can't do that. "Wait a minute, that's a fake ID badge. You don't even work here." Hugh panics and breaks into the room he was spying on. (door opens and the girl screams) He makes a run for the window. "Come back here. I'm terribly sorry I'll explain this later." Forgetting he was on the tenth floor, Hugh jumps through the window. (Hugh jumps through the window and starts falling) It's not uncommon for people to die from glass shards on this show, but this time the glass shards don't our victim. (Hugh screams and hits the awning and then rolls off) Even though Hugh landed on the soft awning, he still died. Dr. Boyd Flinders Surgeon: "Our victim fell with enough force and just the right angle, that the top of the vertical support beam broke the C2 and C3 vertebrae. After breaking, the bones severed his spinal cord, shutting down all brain functions, and killing him instantly."

Hugh was a pervert who used peeping to get his sick kicks. His plan was discovered and his career plummeted. But don't worry; you won't be getting a peep out of Hugh ever again.

Way to Die #289  
Awwwning

Date: April 4, 2005  
Halfway House

There are a lot of psychos in the world, but none are as crazy as this guy Joel. For the past 6 months, Joel has been locked up in what's called a halfway house. He got locked in this halfway house after being deemed mentally unstable after being tried for assault and battery. Harmony Menucci Mental Rehabilitation Clinic Physician: "A halfway house is like a combination of a mental hospital and a normal house. These places are for people who are mentally unstable and need supervision so they don't go and hurt someone, but are still mentally competent to take care of themselves in some ways. This is beneficial because you're keeping them safe while not taking up room in a mental hospital for people who really need the help. It's not unheard of for people to be murdered in these halfway houses whether it's by an attendant or resident."

Joel was like many people you meet, not what he seems to be. He wasn't really mentally unstable, but he's not mentally competent either. Joel is a drug addict. In his drugged up states, he would go into rampages that could harm others. Joel got lucky, and the blood test screwed up and didn't detect cocaine. During his conviction, he acted the way he was portrayed in his assault to feign mental instability. He was sent to this halfway house.

Joel didn't give up his drug addiction. Every week he would spend his allowance on cocaine rocks. This wasn't just because he was an addict; he knew doing drugs would keep everyone thinking he's crazy. To avoid suspicion, Joel wouldn't use an ordinary snorting straw. He constructed a poorly crafted makeshift tube out of large springs and masking tape. Joel would even go as far as steal money from other residents to finance his addiction. Eventually, one of the people there found out what Joel was up to when he found some cocaine powder on Joel's bedspread. He turned him in to an attendant. The attendant had a little trouble believing the resident, but the attendant, Tammy, was the suspicious and cautious type and decided to do a search of Joel's room later. The resident accidentally let the word slip out to Joel. "Tammy's going to kill you."

Joel panicked and went into his room to dispose of the evidence. He snorted all his cocaine and washed out his pipe. He goes back to his room and he realizes something, his pipe could be evidence. Joel should've thrown it out the window, but he was so high, he stupidly put it somewhere it would stay. (door opens) "Hey Joel just thought I'd check up on you." The search goes well, but Tammy is suspicious because Joel is acting crazier than usual. She tried sharing this information with the rest of the staff, but due to the lack of evidence they just assumed he had gotten crazier.

For the next few weeks, Joel continued trying to expel the tube that was up his anal canal. Every attempt was a failure and over the weeks his pain had gotten worse. The rectum has a valve that closes and forms an airtight seal that blocks stuff from going up, this is why Joel didn't just pull it out. Joel was on the throne again and he could feel something moving, and finally the tube came out. (Joel screams gets up and starts bleeding) (blood, the tube, and dead tissue are seen in the can) Also it came with 1 pint of blood. One pint soon turned into two, then to three, then to four and soon after, Joel was dead. Dr. Terri Stevens Proctologist: "When this makeshift tube went up the rectum and got stuck, it blocked the feces from moving and caused a fecal impaction. A fecal impaction is feces getting clogged in the colon and/or rectum and accumulates. Over the weeks so much fecal matter had built up, his colon ruptured and he bled to death."

Joel was psychopath who was crazier than he pretended to be. His planned screwed up, the tube went up, the colon blew up, and Joel's life was over. (attendant screams) "Oh my god! Someone call 911." Too late for that.

Way to Die #839  
ExcreMental

Coming up, when will people learn mother nature doesn't respect those who harm it and 3 strikes you're out doesn't apply to just baseball.

Date: May 17, 2003  
Salt Lake City, UT

You've heard of bad neighbors, but none are as bad as Antony. Antony is a low life scumbag who steals stuff from his neighbors to avoid paying utility bills. He hacked into the pipelines of his next door neighbor's house to steal his running water. For electricity, Antony tapped into the fuse box of one of his neighbor's while they were away on vacation. For free internet, he looked at the router at his next door neighbor for the code to hack it. He even went as far as to hacking into his neighbor's satellite dish to get over a thousand channels at no cost. One day his neighbor is weed whacking his lawn when he whacks something he didn't expect to find, a wire. He tracks the wire to his house and notices it's not something he had hooked up. He finds the other end in Antony's transformer, and Antony's squatting scheme gets discovered. (knocking on the door and Antony opens it) "What?" "I've been having electrical problems for quite some time." Why would I care? I can't help with that." "Oh I think you can, because you stole electricity from me." Antony has already been convicted of arson and stalking. One more felony and Antony is going to jail for life. "I'll tell you I'm going to call the cops and you." (Antony gets his neighbor in a headlock and puts a gun to his head) "Shut up and I won't hurt you." Antony takes the only witness down to the basement and locks him in a room that locks from the outside. "Hey!" (Antony closes the door and locks it)

Antony knows other neighbors will start looking for the one he imprisoned, and he decides to make another weapon. Antony guzzles down and entire beer bottle and realizes he has a perfect weapon. He goes to his garage and pulls out his axe sharpening wheel. After 30 minutes of careful filing, Antony has made a sharp edge out of the bottle top. One neighbor starts worrying about the missing neighbor and checks with the last person who saw him, Antony. (knock at the door and Antony opens) "Hey have you seen Gerard I thought I" Antony puts the glass bottle to her neck. "Help!" "Shut up." Antony drags her downstairs and puts her with Gerard. "He took you too?" Over the next few days, Antony takes five more hostages and locks them in his basement with little food. "What are you going to do to us?" "I don't know yet." Gerard tries to reason with him. "Listen, if you promise to let us all go I won't tell anyone about what you did." Antony doesn't believe Gerard and he keeps them locked in the basement. "We have to stop him." Gerard has an idea. At next feeding time, they give Gerard all their food.

Antony takes his sixth hostage and goes downstairs. As he opens the door, Gerard fights back. (Gerard tackles Antony and starts running) Antony starts chasing Gerard and starts gaining. The starving Gerard has no chance and Antony shoots. Luckily, Gerard turned a corner and the bullet missed. (Antony runs away, slips, falls, a shatter is heard, he spits out blood, and dies) But it gets the one who deserved it most. The stray bullet bounced off a support beam and hit weak spot in the pipeline. It leaked stolen water which Antony slipped on, and his glass bottle speared his heart. Dr. Steven Burstein Interventional Cardiologist: "He fell on the bottle with a sharp tip and it went through his sternum and literally punched a hole in his heart. This injury resulted in massive bleeding killing him instantly."

Antony would've cooked his neighbors alive to keep his stealing a secret. If he had been caught this would've been strike three and he would've gotten life. Instead, he got a worse sentence, death.

Way to Die #292  
Bottled Up

Date: June 30, 2004  
Ambergris Caye, Belize

Belize is the only country in Central America that doesn't have Spanish as its primary language. Despite this, it still shares many qualities with Central America. One primary thing is its oceanic border which many travel to see. Juanita is not a traveler, she is a local who see the ocean's green as her ticket to the big green. To make money, she plans on stealing exotic fish near the Great Blue Hole off the coast of Belize and going to Mexico to sell on the black market. A blue hole is a sinkhole that appears in the ocean caused by glaciers. Jules Sylvester Wildlife Expert: "Belize is home to many tropical fish. A tropical fish will be worth more in another country as long as it is less common there. With less common fish there will be less to buy and so a fish not native will be rare on the black market. The rarer the item is, the more it is worth." Juanita wants to get as much money as possible. She is not going to waste possible profit on scuba gear. She uses her mom's old oxygen bottle as an oxygen tank. She uses an oxygen mask and surgical tubing to be able to attach the oxygen tank to her mouth. In order to be able to hold as many fish as possible, she uses a garbage bag as a container.

She gets in a wetsuit and goes to the beach. You would think she would stand out like a cow in a chicken farm, but lucky for her the surfers wearing wetsuits make her look like just another surfer. She puts on her makeshift gear and starts swimming. As she's swimming people are yelling at her. Thinking she has been discovered, she starts swimming. However, she wasn't caught they were trying to warn about the riptide that could suck her out to sea (Juanita swiftly glides through the water)

After she the riptide stopped, Juanita was lost not knowing how far she was from the Great Blue Hole. She had already lost some time and didn't want to risk losing any more time due to her limited supply of oxygen. She starts going under looking for fish. Every time Juanita grabs a fish, it slips out of her slimy greedy hands. She starts using the bag as a trap. She has a total of over 20 fish. That's not enough for greedy Juanita. Her luck gets better when she spots the rare Cowfish. This could score her a fortune on the black market. A trip that originally started off bad, became better, has now become her best opportunity ever. (explosion goes off behind her, does an underwater flip, and stops moving in the water) For dying.

Before she had left, her oxygen tank had sprung a leak. She fixed it by over tightening the hole which was located in the valve. This created internal pressure within the tank due to the overabundance of gas. When gas is put into a container it contracts to fit more of itself in. She had also gone so down under, it created external pressure on the tank. The pressure became so intense on the oxygen, it exploded. Since the contained blast was underwater, the flare and force wasn't enough to kill her, but it was enough to knock her unconscious. Not only did the blast cause Juanita to be knocked out cold, it also caused the tube on the oxygen tank to detach from the oxygen tank letting it loose into the water. Juanita started sucking in water instead of oxygen and within four minutes, Juanita was dead.

Juanita was a greedy thief who harmed the endangered species for monetary value. This woman was so bad we're going to say bye to her in a special way. Juanita say.

Way to Die #353  
Blew Holed

Coming up, these two learned a lesson head on.

Date: August 7, 1999  
Green Valley, AZ

Mario and Isaiah are two drivers. When you look at them you might notice something unusual. For some reason, Mario is sitting in the back seat. It's not because Mario has pissed off Isaiah. The answer is in their trunk. In there they have over a hundred pounds of drugs, guns, knives, and pepper spray. Mario and Isaiah are allied with a group that would transport illegal goods. Their job in the group was to transport these materials from Tucson to Sierra Vista where their fellow group members would take the goods across the border and sell them to gang members. Or, they would transport them from Sierra Vista to Tucson and then their allies would pick up the goods and sell them.

To keep from being caught by the police, they drove over double the speed limit. Mario sat in the back with his head out the window to get a better view to make sure no cops started following them. Kerri Laron Police Officer: "If you get pulled over for speeding, we are going to ask you for license and registration. If we have reason to suspect you have illegal items inside your car like open beer bottles or drugs, we get a dog to sniff out your vehicle. These dogs are trained to identify the scents. If the dog detects it, we have the right to search your car and if we find the items and/or you don't allow us to, you get arrested and we do a full search of your vehicle whether you like it or not." Today's transport is so abundant; police officers wouldn't need a dog to search the vehicle.

Today is a great day for Sammy. After several failed attempts to get a driver's license, he has finally succeeded in getting his. Sammy is a reckless driver who neglects safety. If he had his own car, he'd cut the seatbelts off because they are "uncool". During each test, Sammy would drive the way he wants thinking it was right. He obviously failed the test. Today, he made sure to get his instructor to give him a passing grade by watching others and repeating them. After he passed, Sammy reverted back to his reckless irresponsible ways. He drove home and did the thing he had planned on doing once he got his license. Sammy got filthy drunk on his parents booze supply. Then, he goes driving as fast as he can passing as many stop signs and stoplights as possible with his head out the window.

Let's get back to Mario and Isaiah. "Hey Mario, do you see the fuzz?" "No" They pass a red light in front of a police car while speeding. (police car starts following them with the sirens blaring) "Never mind, pick up the pace." Isaiah floors it. Mario is too busy looking out to see the cop car he doesn't notice the car coming towards him. Sammy is too drunk to notice the car coming towards him; (Mario and Sammy's heads slam together, fly off and the cars drive away) leaving one car with a dead driver and the driving with the dead. Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan Physical Medicine & Rehab: "The human head weighs roughly ten pounds. With both these guy's heads hitting each other at such high speed, it would be like hitting a stop sign. Their heads hit with so much force, their heads were taken right off their body killing both men by the time their heads hit the ground."

If Sammy and Mario had any brains, they would have been sensible enough to look out. When Sammy and Mario put their heads together, they still didn't have enough brain to survive.

Way to Die #828  
Double Header


End file.
